Daydreaming With God
FROM THE DESK OF BOBBIE BEGGS-SARGENT
I’ve always been kind-of a daydreamer. As a preteen, I would often disappear & wander, sometimes for hours, in the woods & fields near our New Jersey home with only a family dog for company. What was I thinking about & doing? I don’t really know. In my teenage years, I often did the same on horseback. Now, mind you, I love being around people as well. In fact, many people might think I’m quite the extrovert. But these musings in my head & heart comprise at least part of each of my days even now.
No surprise, then, that a pivotal experience of God the Spirit came to me as I sat daydreaming & ostensibly reading my Bible on the farmhouse-style front porch of our home in Vermont. I was going to be alone at home for a couple of days—an unusual occurrence for a mother of three during the summer—& had loose plans for a number of adventures. I thought I might go hiking, or explore a quaint town nearby with a friend. All those got pushed to the side as God met me there on that porch. The experience of God being with me was palpable. He showed me some things that it would be good for me to deal with from my past & in my present. Not all at once, mind you, but at least a couple of key things right away.
This wasn’t my plan. But I’m glad I left my time loosely open so that I could notice & respond to God’s plan for those days–because it was very good. The great mystery of “Christ in me” (Col. 1:27) became evident to me in a new way. The Spirit of Jesus gently & lovingly helped me notice & heal from some things that had been buried in my soul & yet were leaking out in ways that were not great for those around me. As a teenager, I had several people close to me die, most importantly my older brother, & needed to more fully process the grief of those deaths & the reverberations my brother’s suicide had on my family. There was pain, fear, anger, & confusion about some of my feelings that God the Spirit led me to explore, better understand, grieve where necessary & release to him.
That experience of 14 years ago brought me healing & began a much deeper interior journey with God. Having so undeniably felt God at work in me, I began to actively reach out to the Spirit within me & pay attention when I noticed God’s presence. I’ve become increasingly aware that I need those big open blocks of time to really clear my head & talk things through with God. And to listen for whatever God wants me to hear.
Honestly, sometimes I feel like I am just being lazy when I seem to be “doing nothing”, but as I reflect on my need for perhaps more space than others in order to connect deeply with God, I realize that this is just how God made me. The child that needed time by herself to wander in the woods needs space as an adult to sit or walk & ‘be.’ I’ve come to realize that God is okay with me taking that time & maybe even likes spending time like that with me. He uses those times to mold & shape me, in ways I am aware of & ways I am not. And so I become more healthy & more truly me. When I take those times, I am able to more easily reach in to the indwelling Spirit during those many other times when I am busy. I just need to be careful to keep a rhythm & not allow myself to be busy about many things all the time.
The value of my times of ‘daydreamy’ communion with God was brought home to me powerfully last July, when I had a traumatic accident while backpacking with my husband. We are avid hikers & backpackers & are section-hiking The Long Trail in Vermont. We were on the third day of a long-weekend backpack when I slipped & free-fell off a cliff - about 20 feet.
It all happened so fast that I didn’t have time to think much or say a prayer or even have “my life flash before my eyes.” Nope. I just fell. As I lay there awaiting rescue & during the long rescue operation—from the time I fell until the time I was put in an ambulance took 12 hours—I spent a lot of time talking to & leaning into God. As I’d experienced through the years, I again felt God powerfully with me & in me. I didn’t know the end of that traumatic chapter of my story yet but I did know that my Creator & Sustainer was with me & that was a great comfort.
Thank God for all the practice I’d had of just being with God & experiencing him with me, because I was immobile & pretty much unable to do anything to help the situation as those hours unfolded. I had to just ‘be’ & depend on my Savior.
That was wonderful, actually, in a strange way. I got mostly very quiet—so quiet that the search & rescue team wondered if I was even that hurt at all (I was, but now have recovered quite a lot.) I’m not here to say I am glad it all happened, but I am glad to have had God again show up for me in a powerful & gentle, comforting way. In our planned times of retreat, in the midst of our busy days, & in our moments of crisis, God is there. Isn’t that amazing? Thank God for the gift of the Holy Spirit at Pentecost! No wonder Jesus said that it was better for him to go away so that the Comforter, the Encourager, the Advocate could come & dwell in us (John 16:7.)