Waiting
FROM SPIRITUAL DIRECTOR, RICHARD YAN
One of my daughter’s favorite books is from the Elephant & Piggie series by Mo Willems called “Waiting Is Not Easy!”. It is a story about Elephant’s struggle to be patient while waiting for the surprise that Piggie, his best friend, has for him. At first Elephant is excited, curious, & patient. His anticipation for the surprise has him on edge as he gleefully wonders what Piggie could have in store for him. As Elephant probes Piggie for hints, Piggie informs him that he needs to wait because the surprise is not ready yet. The longer Elephant has to wait the more irritable & irrational he becomes. Elephant is so frustrated that by the end of the waiting period, he questions his friend’s intentions & whether or not the surprise was worth waiting for at all (turns out, it is!).
Even though it is a children’s story, Elephant’s struggle to keep it together as he waits for the surprise is something I think we can all relate with. Waiting is really hard. Waiting can make us feel vulnerable & exposed. It makes us realize that we lack control & forces us to deal with uncertainty.
When we have to wait, we have reached a point where we have done all that we can, & the only thing left is to see whether any of our efforts will bring us closer to getting what we are waiting or hoping for. Often we will turn to God to help us through this period of uncertainty. God can bring us a sense of safety & security. But just like Elephant, even our trust in God can be shaken when the wait begins to take longer than we planned. The resolve & trust that we may have had at the beginning can start to wane as the period of waiting extends from days to months to years. That is how I was feeling as my wife & I waited for some door to open for us to have a child.
We explored numerous options over a span of years, & each of them ended in failure. Whatever hope & security I had in God at the beginning began to falter as we waited with no clear answer. God, don’t you know that I really want to be a father? Why is it taking so long for us to find something that works? God, why can’t you just do something to help us? Are you even there God? Do you care? These were the questions that I asked when I was at my lowest point of waiting. I doubted God’s trustworthiness, presence & goodness since it seems like he is not doing anything at all to help us in our time of need. If I am being honest with myself though, the doubt & frustration I experienced at this phase of waiting revealed more in my heart than just impatience.
When I look back at this particular time of waiting, God helped me to see that I had made fatherhood an idol. My frustration was rooted in a belief that it was my right to be a father, instead of viewing it as a gift & privilege. I also came to realize that my image of God was closer to a vending machine than a relationship, since I just expected him to give me what I wanted. Since that was not happening, I questioned his nature & his intentions. As difficult as it was to be confronted by this, it was necessary for me to work through these false beliefs in my period of waiting. I do not think that I would have been able to recognize these things in my heart without the pause & stillness that waiting provides. Through God’s grace & spirit, I began to experience transformation in how I viewed myself & God. Instead of waiting for God to do something, I felt more like I was waiting with God to see what was next. Instead of going to God with just expectations, I also brought a heart that was open to conversation. I continued to share the desires of my heart, but I also began to listen for what was on God’s heart. What I heard was that He was with me, that he ached to see our family grow, & that I am loved & valued even if I do not become a father.
After a long season of waiting, I did get the opportunity to be a father. I felt thankfulness, joy & humility, not only because I could be a father, but also because God felt more present than I have ever experienced. While I would have never chosen this path myself, I am thankful that God was able to use my time of waiting to deepen my relationship with him & to strengthen my trust in him amidst uncertainty.
As we enter into the season of Advent, we enter into a season where waiting is a central theme. Each week, we eagerly await the celebration of Jesus’ birth at Christmas & reflect on Jesus’ return. What are some things that are on your heart that you have been waiting for? How would you characterize the state of your waiting? Is it easy for you to wait, or has it been frustrating? Either way, my hope & prayer is that you not only bring your desires to God, but that you can have a conversation with God as you wait with him.